!!!

I ran!

It had been so long that, not only had I forgotten the password to this account, but also the associated email address.

I'm still ~20 pounds too heavy for running and I jogged only four short intervals, and it felt like herding cats, but also so nice. There was a lonely moment or two; I was with the dog, but without my son for the first run in awhile.  These bittersweet moments are already cropping up, the firsts without him sloshing about, punching my bladder, etc.  They grow up so fast!

My last run ever

Actually, I'm being dramatic. 

I'm sad because I've wasted some nice cool weather, and disappointed that I couldn't keep up running until the end, but I have to take a break.  Maybe if things feel and seem better, I'll try a short test jog, but ego seems to be the predominating beneficiary these days, and there are other dogs to feed.

My last run for a while was last week.  3 X 3 minutes, and I was going for five repeats at least, but my right foot was hurting again, and my left foot was starting to follow suit.  I have simply become too heavy and I'm not getting enough sleep.  Perhaps, given enough time, my body might adjust to the increased load, but I have just six weeks to go.  

Six weeks of elliptical perhaps and then umpteen weeks of ?????!: very boring blog probably.

A tale of two blue grapes

#1: freshly squeezed grapefruit/spirulina/? blend from a local vegan raw store.
#2: electric blue Powerade knockoff/chemical warfare byproduct? from a local gas station.

I am presently drinking the latter.  There are other electrolyte replacers in the kitchen, but sometimes electric blue grape hits the spot.  However, I also have my own spirulina powder and could mix some of it into this stuff...maybe tomorrow.

However, I did not employ this dilatory attitude to running.  Last night was the last of two slightly cooler nights, which meant that this morning was only 20 C.  I had slept poorly once again, somewhat soundly but in 1 - 1.5 hr increments only; I didn't want to move but I really didn't wish to waste 20 C.  Otherwise regrets would have kept me up tonight, with my luck.

I decided to do 5 X 4 min jog intervals (the usual 5 min seemed too daunting).  Unfortunately, the kid was still on my bladder, but I got somewhat used to it.  4-4-5-5-1.5.  Yes, I shortchanged myself but it got to that certain point of NOPE.  Whatever!

Hopefully, I can stick to 4-5 min intervals for at least another week.  Meanwhile, prenatal yoga everyday--I try to do an actual routine but sometimes I just hit the floor and do some poses.  Whatever!

~

Sleep has been fragmented and elusive this week, but I have a bit of a reprieve: cooler temps!  Highs in the low 30s and lows in the low 20s...actually, 19 for the next two days. 

!

This is very helpful because I'm usually awake from 3ish to 6ish am.  Yep.  Some nights I'm productive during this span, others I waste on anxiety and/or indulgent web surfing.  Listening to "sleep-promoting" music or meditation doesn't help, listening to lectures sometimes does; last night I simply accepted the inevitable and listened to Leviathan and Galaktikon and then fell asleep in the midst of some album by Persephone.

At any rate, I need some slack getting outside afterwards while it's still relatively cool.  Skipping that last sliver of sleep isn't optimal, not when I've had just 3 or 4 hours beforehand. 

Yeah, sleep has been an issue for a while, and some nights are rough, but I seem to be adapting.  Is this good preparation? Who knows?

Fortunately, this morning was agreeable.  I was awake for a shorter span, 4-6 am or so, and I woke up shortly before eight feeling surprisingly refreshed.  When the dog and I hit the pavement, it was still only about 24 C, and so we tried out a new loop.  25 minutes total of running, plus walk breaks.  These days, that's a victorious long run!

~

I haven't run for a week because my foot was sore.  Stuff gets sore now and then, and unless the pain is sharp and/or seems to proclaim a reoccurring issue, I usually run through it.  However, I'm now heavy and sort of loose-jointed in general (thanks, relaxin), and I didn't want to mess around, particularly since I could feel it while walking.  I stretched and did more yoga--it felt like things were sliding slightly out of joint, so it felt possible to ease things back into joint and keep them there.

Fortunately, it's gone now and I jogged a bit on the treadmill this morning.  4 intervals, each the length of a different music video.

Which leads me to a long-delayed shout-out: hope you're doing well, Old Free Treadmill.  Prior to our move, the TM rode away in a Habitat for Humanity truck along with Old Free Dining Room Set and Friends, and hopefully it's now helping another family get/keep fit.   Now I'm using a treadmill in the fitness room of our apartment complex.  Wish they had fans there, but it's still considerably more comfortable than running in a Southern garage without A/C.

As for running outside...my sleep has horrible this past week and I just can't get up and out before 7, ok 8, and the weather hasn't been cooperative either.   Slightly hotter slightly later morning temps haven't been a big deal for walking, but running is a different matter.  I need all the help I can get! Fortunately, the weather forecast actually promises sub-23 C later in the week.  I can't remember the last time I felt that outside.  I'm hoping to wake up before the sun, open the windows, and air out the place...and then have an enjoyable run.

9ish weeks to go!

It's going to be a fine day

Soon, not quite yet

But it's a few degrees cooler these days.  The lows are around 23 C and the highs around 35...I hope this means that the worst of summer is over.  I was told that August would be the worst month, and it's almost gone!  Still, I'm desperately craving a day like two Thursdays ago, something that doesn't get much above 30.  I need a break.  

I "jogged" 3 times last week.  It didn't feel exactly like jogging, or running, but verbs defy me.  It's smoother than a shuffle, but with a longer stride, but with the footstrike of a considerably faster pace.  Gliding?  On the one hand, it's lumbering and uncomfortable, but it's also forced a beautiful economy of movement.  At any rate, my centre of balance has shifted so much and I've put on enough weight that it feels like I'm "running" for the very first time.  Even walking is alien.   The dog and I walked about three miles today and I felt newly-acquainted with gravity.

Whatever, only 10 weeks or maybe 13-14 to go...maybe only 8?  In general, the grand entrance/exit has a 4-week window, assuming that there is one projected due date.  I do have one semi-official date, and two others that have been proposed along the way, spanning 12 days or so. Whatever, kid, it's cool; it's not like I got my shit together either.  So we'll go with ten weeks for now because it's a nice round number and the most comfortable: 8 is TOO SOON while 14 is TOO MUCH MORE. 

!!!

Thursday was AMAZING, weather wise.  I think it got up to only 32 C, and then storms brought that down.  Even better, my husband had the day off.  At one point in the afternoon, we were walking around outside raving how nice it felt.  I think that was the coolest day we had since leaving Canada.

I like being here, but with the highs still around 37-38 C everyday, I'm getting cabin fever.  There is stuff I want to explore, but it's just too hot.  We have acclimatized to the point where we can sit in the shade when it's in the low-mid 30s and feel fine, but walking around in the sun is another matter.  Fortunately, the mornings are still reasonable enough for short jogs.

Especially Friday.  It was only 23 C.  What?! It was a real treat because our apartment is set at 25 C.  I jogged with the dog for 25 minutes (admittedly, in 5 min intervals).

But perhaps it wasn't cool enough for her because she went swimming soon after!  Actually, she didn't jump in, but simply side-stepped into it during a moment of distraction. Since it's more of a canal, with vertical concrete sides, it's easy to fall in and harder to get out.  I couldn't lift her out in my present condition, but I wasn't too concerned because it's a small sluggish shallow river, and a boat ramp was nearby on the other side.  A kind passerby helped coax her over, and then I jogged up to and over a nearby bridge to retrieve her.

There's a $500 fine for "falling in"--the language was chosen to address the usual drunken excuse apparently--but I'm not sure it applies to dogs.  Since then, I've been looking around for other good places to get my dog out in case.  She's still rather young and repeatedly distracted, and my strength (and reach!) is limited.  Some portions of the river have railings or vegetation buffers, but there are quite a few stretches with very convenient water access.

The old dog would've loved it.  He was an avid diver and underwater fisher, and there are some pretty big tilapia here.

Today was hotter and less eventful.  Just 15 min of jogging and the new dog remained drier than I.

back in the saddle perhaps maybe

So I did run again this weekend and I couldn't have timed it better.  We've been here for not quite a month and there has been very little rain, but I managed to score the first morning drizzle.  20 minutes of near-comfort!  It felt nice and I even got to run on the non-shady side of the river for the first time! Even in the early morning, the temperature is at least 25 Celsius, and so I've been a creature of the shadows.

If I can do ~20 minutes of running three times a week for the next month or so, I'll be happy.  It's hot and I'm in my third trimester.  Yes, this is why I'm presently in Texas and not up in PA.   The weather is much better up north but the food and general scene is much better here, and the baby will emerge* in time for the awesome weather season.  I love winter, but I'm looking forward to Not-Winter this year.

Meanwhile, I've recently found out that my iron levels are low again, even though I'm taking almost 60 mg/day of iron supplements. 

* this is the kindest and least intimidating verb I can think of for this process.

~

Quick recap...isn't possible.

And I didn't even run today.  It was a nice morning, overcast, dry, and only about 27 C.  The dog and I merely walked, however.  I didn't have a lot of energy today: it was destined exclusively towards (more) unpacking.  We are downsizing somewhat radically, having slashed at least 1000 square feet off our living space--this is an excellent exercise for clarity, economy, efficiency, etc, but meanwhile we have to play horizontal Jenga.  So many boxes!  so much superfluous junk.

Sad because I'm feeling less and less sad

It's been about a week and a half since we put dog #1 down (cancer), and I am still sometimes startled that I will never see him again.  Intellectually, there's no confusion, and I've become used to the void.  I've gone through practically all of the post-dog firsts, and I no longer expect him waiting at home, or by the bed, or outside the bathroom.  If he were to miraculously come back at this point, it would actually be an adjustment, stripping away the filter of memory and a bunch of new habits.  After a wretched first few days, I've mostly moved on.   Yet a sliver of primordial emotion/denial still clings to prior associations: "oh, he's at the kennel, oh, he's at the vet, oh, he's out in the yard.  He has to be back sometime."

Perhaps he will feature in my terminal anoxia-induced hallucination that will seem endless (and hopefully pleasant) but last no longer than my dying neurons.  Or perhaps both of us are eternally in the "bookcase dimension" (thank, you, Interstellar, for enhancing Flatland explanations)...but this dog isn't coming back.

I've previously lost loved ones, including other dogs, but this dog was one of those dogs, as it turns out.  He wasn't the easiest dog--far from it---which probably explains why this is such a fundamental loss.  His faults forced me to examine my own, and yet he was incredibly loyal and stoic and patient, albeit with just a few people.  Some dogs love everyone, and other dogs distill their affections.  For eight years, I was so much of this dog's world.

His high pain threshold masked the problem until it was incurable.  I can't actually remember our last run, but it was a few miles sometime in March.  Forest, sandy trails, same old, just another bland half-hour, putting in the time.  He had to go to the vet for his yearly checkup soon after, and we had questions about arthritis or whatever--because he did look stiff at times and we were giving him glucosamine--but we weren't expecting anything major because he was still fit, still fairly active for a nearly ten-year old dog.   His bloodwork last year was that of a much younger dog.   Well, this year, hemangiosarcoma and worsening anemia and possibly just a few days left.   Fortunately, he hung in for a couple of months and seemed to enjoy them, mostly.  We took him to the beach, we fed him decadently, we spoiled him.

Unfortunately, his high pain threshold made the decision very hard.  Other dogs give that look or quickly decline, but this dog, a pit/mutt, had a solid pedigree of gameness, that self-sacrifice sought by dog-fighter shitheels.  I waited and watched for that look, but slowly realized that he probably wouldn't ever give it, leaving us with a grim calculus.  He got sicker a few times, but recovered.  In retrospect, not completely, but enough to convince us, one more week or whatever.

But he was losing so much muscle.   His collar, once snug, became loose.  His head and body became foreign to my hands.  His abdomen became swollen and tight, and the warnings of rupture resounded,  More and more, he shook while standing or balked at lying down.  Yet he wasn't done.  He still bolted after squirrels.  He still pleaded for food, for his walks, for car rides.  He looked at me not with resignation or blankness, but a more prosaic expectation.  The usual excitement, or confusion, or (usually) concern.

His last full day was the best one in a while, I think.  We walked together for close to an hour, albeit slowly, completing a trail loop that he hadn't managed for weeks.  The weather was mild and so he spent a few hours nosing about the backyard too, and later on we shared pizza and cake.  I suppose it was perfect.   I forgot that he used to run for hours with me.  It was like that had been another dog.   Perhaps he felt the same.  I have no idea if he was disappointed with himself at times, or simply preoccupied with maintaining appearances, but he seemed content during his last day.

The following morning, he appeared fine, bloated by the cancer, yes, but otherwise happy.  At the vet's, he scarfed down treats and barely looked my way (my husband had the treats).  This was fine.  He had no idea why he was there.   I didn't want my sadness to upset him, so the less he heeded me, the better.  Like I told the vet when she asked about optional sedation, "whatever is best for him."

Afterwards, even though I no longer heard his heartbeat, I sat beside him and waited.  I had to finish emptying the vet's box of tissues, yes, but I was also waiting for something else.

And I'm still waiting for the irrationality to leave.  I feel less and less like Peter Pan missing a (brown) shadow.  I'm starting to forget what he looked like, especially what he looked like at the end--more and more, I picture him as he was a few years ago in his prime.   He's becoming abstract.   However, the reality that I won't ever see him again still bewilders me.

Meanwhile, dog #2 is adjusting to her new promotion.  We've discovered that she hadn't really learnt a few commands, merely followed his lead, but we've been running.

~

Back in the saddle?

Today is my first weekday post-job.  I've given myself a month to prepare for a move (sort through/weed through our stuff, pack, repaint, do yardwork, etc).  At first a month seemed excessive, but I now regret not taking more time off.  My job was intense in a sometimes interesting but also sometimes wearying fashion, and it drained me.  The pay sucked too but I learnt and saw a lot, and met some really cool people.  The most fascinating discovery was a type of chronological amnesia during emergencies.  Seconds would crawl by, and then events would burst past the prosaic, and afterwards, hours afterwards sometimes, it felt like no time had passed at all.  

If only I could tap into this while running!  Sometimes, I enjoy every moment, sometimes I enter an endorphin-laced timeless haze, but sometimes I long to exit my body and let it go around for an hour or two.  Especially here.  Running has become so boring.  I wasn't ever that fond of trail running but it's my best option.   I much prefer city runs, productive runs, either commuting or running errands or simply exploring routes and snacks, but there's very little of that sort of opportunity here.   Even my runs to work became boring, and too hot, and thus eventually extinct, not to mention that running 9 miles and then spending the following 9-11-? hrs on my feet wasn't ideal.

I didn't run once during my last two weeks of work; I was too tired.  Between overtime, call, shifting shifts, and appointments/obligations outside of work, I just couldn't catch up on sleep. 

Fortunately, I slept about 13 hours yesterday, and I don't have to return to work for the time being, and so I am out of excuses.  20 min jog with dog #2 and then pushups and situps.  It's my plan to do 20-30 min each morning.  It's summer (tomorrow is supposed to be 34 C) and while there will be cooler days now and then for a bit, I can't expect too much.  However, I also hope to hit the TM for a long run, before the garage heats up too much, so that I can finally watch the Boston marathon.  

!!!

There's an official video?  
This song was playing during my drive home tonight/this morning/1:15ish am.  It seems like it's been a while since I last heard it.

Sadly, I have been doing much more driving than running :(  I'd thought about running to work tomorrow because the other days will have highs of about 30 C.  PUKE.   But there are supposed to be thunderstorms, plus after almost 11 hrs on my feet tonight (I didn't even get my full lunch break)....I'm toast.  I have the feeling this is going to be a rough week anyway.   BLERG

Hey, at least I can leave my little palm trees outside all week!

At any rate, I will try to jog with one of the dogs tomorrow.

~

Life?

So I finally watched Interstellar, which investigates space and time, and I fail to understand how I manage to have too much of the former while too little of the latter (but the 3-D wormhole was cool).

But I have been running.  Short runs mostly.  Occasionally (1-2 times a week), I have to run to work because we share a car in a place where this is impractical.  So much wasted space to get through.  I do have about a mile of sidewalks, but the other 7.5ish are beside roads.  Mostly on the shoulder, on pine needles/grass/debris/??   These textures have grown old and I'm becoming increasingly fatigued in multiple dimensions. 

And summer is approaching.  My last work run was in 27 C. 

quick recap

Life's been a blur, but I think I'm back at it.  actually, I like this video better--I appreciate the solid narrative of the former although it was kind of overdone in the wrong fashion, but I am rather fond of vintage TV performances, particularly foreign ones (tragedy struck when the clip of OFF/Time Operator was removed, but it's back too!)  Anyhow, it's a cover (props, ABBA!)

Anyhow, anyhowm quick recap--my husband's back, yay!  PHEW!

....and I'm doing small runs (15-20 min tempo runs, 30-40-etc min easier runs) fairly regularly (~4/week), but perhaps the real success story is x-training.  Pushups and situps approx 3 times a week (50 of each usually), some shoulder exercises and the yes-no machine 1-2 times a week, plus I've returned to the garage!  cleans and squats and deadlifts.  I'm really happy with this considering the circs.   Admittedly, the past week or so has been sort of dodgy (my husband's back, yay!) but I think I've struck a good balance.  Truth is, I'm pretty done with running here, but we've just a few months left!  I can tough it out, surely.

We'll see how this week goes

Sun: 35 min tough hilly run, pushups and situps
Mon: tempo run (25 min total), yes-no machine (lol)
Tues: easy 40 min run (oops, forgot shoulder exercises)

Meanwhile: work start times:
Mon: 1430
Tues: 1430
Wed: 700
Thurs: 600
Fri: probably 1430, but a slim chance I can switch to 600, which would be even better, because:
Sat: 900

tomorrow might hurt!  good night!

Never so happy with a DNF!

I was really tempted to sleep in...little ghoul me doesn't do 7 am anymore.  But the race is so close to my house, probably a 5 min drive, and I know the route so well, and what's the worse that can happen during a 4.5 mile loop race?  4ish miles of absolute crud?  That's less than most marathons!

I was vaguely remotely tempted to attempt the full distance, 100K, but I reminded myself of a few very important factors:

1.  My last run over 3 hrs was in November.
2.  My last run over 2 hrs was in November.
3.  My last run over 1 hr was in December (wtf?)
4.  My average mileage during the past month has been like 10 miles/week.  Ok, under.  sob.  It's true.  Little dinky tempo runs twice a week, and maybe a mile or two jogging with the dogs--but our outings have devolved into power hikes, I guess--and this really came in handy when passing people uphill, but it's not running at all.  And most of it wasn't even on trails.
5.  The semi-last minute daytrip on Thursday took a lot of juice out of me, plus the week before was ROUGH.  it included a 3 am trip to the emergency vet.  Puppy #2 is better now, though!
6.  I haven't been super well to begin with since September--this whole year has been sort of off, but things got worse this fall, culminating in a workplace swoon last month.  Yep, I hit the floor in the OR.  Fortunately, this was pre-incision, so I didn't land on someone else's blood.  Turns out a fair number of people faint in there from the strain (holding heavy patients limbs/whatever under bright lights, or just forgetting to keep knees loose).  I'm better now though!
7.  My husband is away so I would have to deal with my increasingly irrational thoughts when trying to figure out what to eat or wear umpteen hours in, plus drive home!
8.  Plus the dogs would be left waiting an awful long time for supper.  They have a doggy door so that's not the issue, but 14+ hrs (ok, 18?  who knows?) between meals is not fair for them.
9.  I'm lazy.

However, 50K is not bad at all--I wasn't positive I could pull it out of my ass this time, but it usually precedes the onset of major hurt.  I admit, I toyed with the idea of running a bit further, but a few pains cropped up, including some IBS and some ITBS.  That last one surprised me.  Maybe the yes-no machine isn't a completely adequate substitute for clamshells, but trails can be brutal.  These trails are better than some, no loose rocks, but they're sandy and they have a ton of roots, plus a few fairly steep uphills and downhills.  They're like, "you want to just shuffle through this, haha, NOPE."

Fortunately, I got rid of the ITBS with stretching, and the other stuff subsided enough for me to push through.  I finished the 50K in just under six hours--very happy with that considering the trails and the human involved.  Plus it didn't tear me up too badly.  I was able and happy to hang out for 3-4 hours afterwards to chat and watch the top men come in.  My quads feel rather tender, and my abdomen feels oddly raw on the inside (not guts, almost like my diaphragm--is this even possible?), but otherwise, it's like I didn't run much at all.  Except I'm wiped!

It was a really fun day--the race staff, volunteers, other runners, and spectators were awesome.  

What's next?  I'm not sure.  We might be moving...sometime...maybe May...somewhere...don't know yet.  Maybe if there's a local race, I can sign up.  I intend to try to exercise the dogs and myself more honestly, though.  Even an hour long run on the weekend would be better than before, and fairly easy to accomplish.
 

The army marches on its stomach

My tomorrow  (although not necessarily with cookies, but with everything else in the house).

It's been nuts.  Today I had to go to a nearby city, which was a sort of stressful occasion, but ultimately awesome because I got to walk on those things called sidewalks, plus I also felt the thrill of reuniting with my car on the fourth deck of a rather large and complex parking garage...anyway, I dug the city!  I miss the city, any city!#  I should have spent more time walking around while I was there, but I was bombed after just two hours of sleep the night before, plus I still had the 1.5ish hour drive back, albeit minus ~0.25 hrs of securing a parking spot.  BUT, if I lived in that city, I would just walk or bike or bus--the bus system is actually free.  No joke!

Alas, my plots to return to city life are continually thwarted by the demands of my husband's career, but meanwhile I'll hold down the couch and eat lots tomorrow.  I'm signed up for an ultramarathon on Saturday.  Apart from tempo runs 2 times/week in the gym, daily hikes/easy jogs with the dogs, and 40+ hrs/week on my feet, plus resistance exercises*, my training has been nil.  I can't remember my last long run.  So this will be an interesting experiment!

The ultra is the same 100K I did last year.  It's a loop so I could do half, or less, without undue inconvenience to anyone.  And, yes, just doing half, which practically feels like just a third, is a very attractive proposition.  Six-ish hours (hopefully), get done and home with daylight remaining, and then enjoy three full days of recovery.  I'm off until next Wednesday.  This is my misguided attempt at Christmas vacation, actually!

#My present sleep soundscape.
I pulled it out of retirement at about 4:30 am last night.  It's too quiet to sleep here (the jarring intermittent cries of wildlife don't help), but white noise apps wear off after a while, and so I have to combine or rotate them.

*An appeal to public gym owners: please put the yes-no machines facing a wall.  No mirror.  I use these machines because they replace clamshells for ITBS prevention, but at my present gym they're smack in the centre of all of the quasi-nautilus (I forget the brand) equipment, and this is kind of....showy.  It's awkward going in and repeatedly spreading my legs with a bunch of guys around.  I've never had any problems, and I'm pretty cool about gym ogling in general--hey, we're all human, we all glance--but these machines are simply too suggestive, plus they are impeded by my ankle-length skirts and petticoats unless I hike them up, and this simply shows too much ankle.  I jest, and I wear baggy pants, large headphones, and a thousand-yard stare when I use these machines...what is my problem, actually?

last long

I think that was my last long...something.   Went to the gym at 1:20 pm, started my run on the TM at about 1:40, and then I went to work and, BAM, EMERGENCIES, and so I didn't leave, didn't eat (apart from a bag of cheetos at about 11 pm), didn't even pee until I left work around 1 am.  That's almost 12 hrs on my feet with one tempo run and a few sprints in there.  It's true, and I'm counting it!  Actually I did sit down once in that span, just for a minute or two.  I have no idea how long I spent in a particular room, and I was kept busy for much of the time, but there was one quiet 1/2 hr-ish span I spent standing and waiting--I couldn't actually leave the room, just in case.  And then, later on when I didn't have much time to sit anymore, I discovered the chair in the corner of the room.  Oh, wait, and I did sit down for the 5 min drive from the gym to work.  So, let's say, I sat for 7 minutes during 11.5ish hrs.  That's pretty decent ultra training, I think.

Just because---kind of rather explicit but that's Missy Elliott! Actually, I heard a cover of one of her songs on the drive to work--it's meant to be.

2015 rocks so far!

 I made it home in time!  there was a looming C-section, and I was prepared to ring in the New Year with a totally new arrival, but there was some sort of delay, and I was told I could go home.  Yay!

Gaz's blog reminded me of the Bliss workout, so I did a somewhat leisurely 4 sets of 10 pushups and 10 situps...got to get back into the 50s.  However, the sets of 10 felt easier than anticipated.  Yay!

And now I got port (Cabral, no less, my fave) and Brazilian cheesy puffs with honey butter.  YAY!

And I have tomorrow off! Yay! 

2014 recap...

Man, what a shitty year, but I did PB in the marathon by like 20 seconds.