After two easy days (walking and light jogs), I feel better. It was the first 25+ C run of the year, and there were a couple of other possible other factors for my misery. The most upsetting part, however, was how negative I felt. I really hated life during that run. It was disgusting.
On Monday evening, I participated in (attended?) a webinar held by Ucan and featuring Meb Keflezighi. This was the first time I'd done anything like this and I was envisioning a mess of many voices or something like that. To my relief, the format was simple: Meb and the host were the only ones speaking, and the rest of us just typed. To my surprise, it proved to be more interesting than the typical pre- or post-race interview or whatever. To my astonishment, Meb answered my question, about mental tricks during tough portions of races. He said, and not for the first time, that he cannot reveal all of his secrets (this made me happy because he's not hanging up his sneakers yet), but he divulged a few tips, including a question to think about while things get rough:
"Why are you here?"
Yeah, why the heck did I sign up and pay for this thing and put myself through this discomfort voluntarily? It's a really good question. What exactly am I hoping to get out of this experience? Is it worth it to dig deeper? I really hope to remember this during the marathon.
Today was my last interval workout of this training cycle, although I might do some shorter ones. At any rate, 4 minutes straight of tough effort felt daunting. I meant to remember Meb's question, but I forgot. And I needed some serious tunes.
Rep 1: ok, too ok. I realized about a minute in that I wasn't breathing like I should during these workouts. Inhalation is the same, but I exhale forcefully and my mouth goes a certain way--I was hoping that this corresponded to a type of pranayama for easier explanation, but no such luck. Anyway, the force and mouth position seem to help and, past a certain point, seem necessary, and this also seems to correspond with my VO2max pace. I really don't know for sure, but if I'm not breathing like this, blasting the bad air out, I'm not working hard enough. And so I pushed up the pace. 0.57 of a mile.
Rep 2: a bit more honest, but my internet crapped out after about 3 minutes, leaving me high and dry. It was rough. 0.59 of a mile.
Rep 3: this is when Meb's question would've come in handy, but I think I remembered the gist of it. Why was I there, sweating on that treadmill? To jack up VO2 max. Was I doing so effectively, to be perfectly honest? Maybe not. So I nudged up the pace a bit (remember, my treadmill has a sliding knob to control pace)...but it didn't budge. Finally, I got it to the second last notch, to what felt like a more useful effort. Maybe the treadmill goes only to 9.5 mph. 0.61 of a mile.
Rep 4: This time, my internet crapped out shy of 2 minutes. For fifteen excruciatingly slow seconds, I tried to think positively. Last half of last rep! You go, girl! You can do this! Etc. Stuff that onlookers yell to race participants. Looking good!
Nah, f this sh--and I deleted the rest because it got nastier. I lit the negativity that has been brewing the year I've been living here, and it flamed like chlorine trifluoride through the treadmill and the concrete below--it even burned through time because those 2 minutes were like nothing. I was astonished. It was both exhausting and invigorating. It was horrifically dark but I must try to tap into it again. Probably sparingly.
Why am I here? To be discontented by societal/civic ills?! Hopefully I come up with better answers. Meanwhile, we have about a year left here, which works out well for a marathon mind game: each mile done is a 1/2 month gone.
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